I Am Me Written October 6th

I work today. I woke up crying because I am sick and tired of defending myself to neurotypicals. I am sick and tired trying to justify why I need support or why I act a certain way. Then when I do explain they go yeahhhh lets try not to do that. Like no, you cant change me. That’s me, sorry but I am not changing for you. I love my job its very accommodating at the moment. Who knows in 2 weeks when everyone leaves that’s leaving. Who knows when I start feeling uncomfortable in the work force again. Yea its happening. I starting to feel the same way all over again. I just want it to stop. To be understood. To be accepted the way I am and not told that me getting hyperfocused on my tasks is a bad thing. I’m exhausted at work. After. I’m exhausted for not being good enough for you. I’m exhausted for trying so hard to be perfect I become unperfect. I’m exhausted from being told to focus more when I’m focused so much, I get dizzy or overwhelmed. I’m exhausted from talking to neurotypicals who are rude and inconsiderate who complain over a sauce of all things who call and say that little girl was rude because they didn’t like how I treated them etc. im not rude im autistic. I am not neurotypical. I am exhausted with having to wear a lanyard or explain why I do things. Why do we have to do this. Why do we have to put in the effort? Why do we have to show you who we are when you want to tear us down into pieces shred us to nothing so we perform like a neurotypical in a shell of who we once were. But we still are neuro diverse. They ask why I am different. They ask what is wrong. Oh I don’t know everything has changed. Many of the people who have accepted me are gone. The fear of the unknown of who is coming. The stress of re explaining. The stress of people who do not accept, wo whisper behind your back, who tolerate you enough until you tic to much or get to overwhelmed. I am not like you. I am me Replace autism with any other condition. It still doesn’t mean neurotypicals run the show. Why should neurodivergents have to prove our worth. Have to scream and shout to be heard of your neurotypical Ness. Of the way you say things you do not mean. How you get upset at the little things but not the big things. How you laugh behind our backs and whisper to your friends. How you say ‘hope you get better!’ my disability is not a disease I am not contagious or sick. I AM ME.

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